I never imagined losing a child. The pain cuts so deep into the core of your being. I hate even know this feeling. Each step feels like I'm walking on glass...It's like at any moment, I could just shatter into a million pieces.
After months of anticipating the arrival of our baby boy, my life was turned upside down when we were told at a doctors appointment that his heart had stopped beating. I just remember that hot sweat swell of emotion, but being extremely cold to the touch. The grief that immediately took over is difficult to describe, I've never experienced anything like it. It was like my whole world had gone dark, the life sucked out of me. And just a shell left there with no words, and what felt like no where to turn to. I couldn't make sense of it. How was I supposed to even reach for help, when I didn't even have the words or the strength.
Navigating through those days was rough. It was like wandering aimlessly in a fog. I had loads of friends and family trying to comfort me, but every time someone wrote a message or sent well wishes, it just all seemed so insincere to me (I know it wasn't, but it seemed that way). I was angry. To them, it was a moment of sadness, but to me, it was my never-ending nightmare.
People don't want to hear you haven't gotten over it after 1 month, 6 months, a year, two years. And going to baby showers and celebrating baby birthdays made me hyperventilate. There wasn't some magical cure, and it still hurts but what's that sayin, "time heals all wounds." I wouldn't say I'm healed but I'm a far cry better of. I found that over time, I found sharing my story and connecting with others who had experienced similar losses actually helped me process what I was going through. Hearing other stories made me realize I didn't have to face this alone. Eventually, about a year later, I could even talk about it without bursting into tears (I mean I was still teary eyed but these were small wins for me).
My husband and I decided to try again for a child. Weeks turned into months, months turned into years, as we faced bouts of loss. It seemed as though my body had become a graveyard for dreams. But I was fueled by the future we still wanted.
Eventually, we were blessed with a healthy pregnancy. But it was a terrible journey. Each kick, each heartbeat, I was too scared to be too happy. Scared the darkness would come back to find me. Right up until Logan actually came out crying, only then did I feel a little bit of relief and joy, the joy I had been wanting for so long (funny enough I actually cried again, but at least these were happy tears this time).
My journey taught me not to take anything for granted. I know there's a strength in me that before I would've never known. I cherish every moment. It's all led me to Logan, and for that I am so grateful. I remember the journey because it led me to him.