Losing a child is a pain that cuts deep into the core of your being. And I hate that I even know this feeling. Each step since feels like I'm walking on glass...that at any moment, I could shatter into a million pieces.
After months of blissfully anticipating the arrival of our first baby boy, my life was turned upside down when we were told at a routine doctors appointment that our little baby's heart had stopped beating. I just remember a hot sweat but being extermely cold to the touch. The grief that immediately took over was unlike anything I had ever known. It was a darkness that seemed impossible to escape.
Navigating through the days that followed felt like wandering aimlessly in a fog. Friends and family tried to comfort me, but every time someone wrote a message or sent well wishes, seemed insincere to me. I felt angry, like to them, it was a brief moment of sadness, but to me, it was an never-ending nightmare.
Over time, I found that sharing my story and connecting with others who had experienced similar losses actually helped me process what I was going through. Hearing other stories made me realise that I didn't have to face this alone. And about a year later, I could even talk about it without crying (these were small wins for me).
With newfound determination, my husband and I decided to try again for a child. Weeks turned into months, months turned into years, and yet, we faced recurring bouts of loss. It seemed as though my body had become a graveyard for dreams. But I was fueled by the love for the children I had lost and the future we still wanted.
Eventually, we were blessed with a healthy pregnancy. But it was a terrible journey. Each kick, each heartbeat, I was too scared to be too happy. Scared the darkness would come back to find me. Right up until Logan actually came out crying, only then did I feel the utter joy I had been wanting for so long (funny enough I actually cried again, but at least these were happy tears this time).
My journey taught me not to take anything for granted. I know there's a strength in me that before I would've never known. I cherish every moment. It's all led me to Logan, and for that I am so grateful. I remember the journey because it led me to him.