I always dreamt of becoming a mom. From young, I can remember playing with dolls, imagining what life would be like caring for a little one of my own. But my struggle to conceive became a very real thing. My husband and I tried for most of 8 years. We went specialists, undergoing endless tests, medications, procedures, all of it, met with gut-wrenching pain and disappointment EVERY SINGLE TIME. The emotional toll was honestly, just too much. Every negative pregnancy test felt like a stab to the heart. Followed by uncontrollable sobbing on the bathroom floor. I used to cry so much, the headaches were the only thing that made me eventually stop.
Months turned into years, and I must admit, I didn't even notice at first but the depression consumed me. I envied my friends celebrating baby showers and posting pictures of their growing bellies. There was this one time, I had a friend say an off-the-cuff remark, like "we weren't even trying," when she announced her pregnancy. It broke me. It felt like a dig. My relationships became taking strain, tarnished by bitterness and sadness.
We ended up deciding to explore our options, and adoption found its way into our hearts. The process was long, filled with lots of paperwork, home visits, and waiting. The ups and downs were just as much of a rollercoaster ride of emotions, I thought, "what the hell had I got myself into." But finally, we received THE call - we'd been chosen by Ivy's birth mother.
There are no words to explain what it was like to hold her for the first time. She was so tiny in my arms. There were so many tears. Of joy and relief. The years of heartache, replaced by an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love. My journey to motherhood took an unexpected turn, but it taught me to cherish every moment and the incredible strength we all have inside ourselves. I still have moments honestly, where I feel the pain of not being able to be pregnant. To have that experience. But then I am reminded that it all led me to Ivy.
I wish more women would speak up about their struggles. I feel as though all those years are so easily swept under the rug...And while I'm so incredibly grateful to finally be a mom, I've also survived a crazy amount of pain in the process. Yes it wasn't the same a physical labor, but I can tell you now for free, I'd take a couple of labor hours over the years of emotional pain I've had to endure. Yes, I'm still healing, and so something positive to end: I've come to realize, that it was a big part of my life and has become a big part of who I am today. And I'll always remember my little beans of love.